Hello people. I'm back. Kind of; my girlfriend is away for about 4 months, I find myself bored with video games and manga, so now I've hit rock bottom and have decided to write... type... whatever.
Let's see if I remember how to be eloquent.
So a lot has happened in the last couple of years. The last blog was around this time two years ago. I was about to visit my girlfriend's parents. Long story short about that- I went to Vietnam, her parents loved me, I almost got detained on the Cambo/Viet border, and I had a blast.
I'm still with her, and she has her temporary residency visa now. It's completely 100% serious now and we're moving in together early next year when she comes back.
Some people say that going through hardships changes you; this is only half correct I think. Change in yourself only occurs when you look back a few years on and realize it yourself. A watched pot never boils.
For instance, a girl who I once swooned over had said that she wanted us to be just friends. At the time I had almost torn myself apart over that notion. But if you put that situation to me again today, I would be thinking differently...
It used to be that every time I see the people who I used to love, all the old feelings I used to feel would swell up and it would be hard to resist falling into old habits. I still remember the time spent -it would be rude not to- but I don't feel anything anymore. I just smile and thank that I had the chance to feel that once.
Today I make preparations for moving out and starting a life with the woman I love. Years ago I would have laughed at the idea of even settling down...
My life is really racing forward. I have a car, a job, a stable relationship, and soon a place to call my own. It's like I've finally grown up.
In time I might grow out of posting my life on the internet. It may be many years before I post again. I may forget it altogether.
So I want to give advice to the me of the future, and whoever might come across this blog.
The very first blog entry here states that I had wiped this blog- because it used to be full of sorrow, anguish and self-harm. The handful of posts remaining here are a sporadic snapshot of the past few years of my life where I experienced a turning point in my life; but it was not always so.
This blog used to be the brooding ground where I would come to vent my sorrows and lash out at the world. I went through self-harm, depression and massive shame to get to this point in my life.
If you are reading this, know that there is a light at the end of the tunnels. I have made every wrong turn, dead end and fallen for every trap in this cave. Going through all of those experiences has made me stronger in the end.
It is my belief that we experience these things so that we might change. If you are in that corner of depression, it is because there is something that needs to be changed, and that depression is your emotional response to the need to change.
Change will come, but only if you allow it time. Only if you allow yourself to change; or rather, only if you allow yourself to forget that you need to change. If you keep expecting change every day, it will not come; but if you forget about it, then come back in 6 months, you will realise just how far you have come.
You will realise that the trials that you go through are not for nothing -these are not religious trials set up by God, but rather random moments in your life to have you learn something from them. The trials in your life are turning points, and which way you go will lead you to a different outcome every time. Will you succumb to violence? Will you remain in depression? Will you walk away from the ones you love?
There is no right or wrong turn at each decision; the decisions themselves do not matter. It is the lesson that they teach, and how you interpret and learn from those lessons which will determine your future.
The turning moments in my life have, sadly, revolved mostly around girls. But it turns out that that was where I needed the most help. Some moments have been about my temper, others about my pessimism.
I have crawled out of that hole in the ground and I now stand in the sun proudly happy with my life. I continue to learn each day on how to improve myself as I meditate on deeds long gone. Many of the things that I have done have not been resolved, and there are still many people who hate me for who I was. I don't want them to stop hating me because I have changed, or resent them for being unwilling to look; I just accept... and I thank them every day for the lessons that they have taught me.
Odds are that the people who are reading this are among those who have touched my life in some way; it does not matter whether you read this and you were somebody who hates me or somebody who loves me. All you need to know is that I learnt a great deal in life because of you, and that you have helped change me into somebody who stands firm on his own two feet..
And for that, I thank you. Every day.
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